I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Selfie
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle