[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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My tweets are not to be taken:
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”
Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”
– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!
“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.
[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]
Me: say it
Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism