@MrEd_EVH

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

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@pleatedjeans

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant

@IvyelleWright

Him: “I killed the spider for you. He suffered.”

Me: ( slowly turns around in swivel chair) “Splendid.”

@leshnevsky

– Michelle, we must break up…
– Oh, I’ll kill myself!
– That’s a nice bonus. Thank you!

@oxygenplug

“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird

@Number10cat

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@NervousJr

Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.

@captainkalvis

[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]

Me: say it

Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism