I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*