I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.