“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
A classic…
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying