@tsm560

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that*

*Me, after not listening to a word you just said.

- @tsm560

You Might Also Like

@RoosterMustache

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “hey thanks” and I’m like “I’m just happy to be a part of this nice community”

@jonnysun

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

@10InchesPlus

Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.

@MattTheBrand

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@buhsbaby_baby

As a grown woman with no children or morals to slow me down, I will have a definite advantage during tomorrow’s family Easter egg hunts.

@kwirkyKerri

I’ve never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there’s that.