I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.


You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog


Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.



Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?


I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards


My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.


I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.