I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

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HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!


DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!


This hot dude in an adjacent office overheard my saying I had to skip dinner last Monday to cover a shift and he bought me a burrito. Then he caught me picking my nose an hour later, so I thought I ruined it but tonight he gave me his number and I’m dying


Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling


A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.


Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it


“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.


Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep


‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’


a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering


*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm