HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
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This hot dude in an adjacent office overheard my saying I had to skip dinner last Monday to cover a shift and he bought me a burrito. Then he caught me picking my nose an hour later, so I thought I ruined it but tonight he gave me his number and I’m dying
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm