“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from