I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

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*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *


I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”


The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.


My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.


I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.


There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”



My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix


I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting


COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.