“If all your friends jumped”
“But if they”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
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The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?