@_eric_alexander: I'm gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
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@dazedandsincere: Young man cashier: Ma'am, if you don't mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes. What I heard: Ma'am
@primawesome: My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.
@ArfMeasures: SCIENCE TEACHER: What's the loudest noise in the world? "Volcanic eruption" "An explosion" "An earthquake" ME: Trying to open snacks you don't want to share