I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.