Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
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“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Muppet Screams
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.