I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
back to work
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle