(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.