Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You Might Also Like
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.