Happy Star Wars day!
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
thinking about a very short hotdog
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂