calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
2023 was just a warmup
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”