I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You Might Also Like
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
pelicons
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.