I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.