@ShittyComedian

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

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@traciebreaux

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

@mack44_d

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

@deathoftheparty

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

@BoogTweets

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

@carboncaitlin

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

@BoomBoomBetty

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

@envydatropic

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.