I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

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Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


(CPR class)

Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt?

Me to instructor: See what I’m up against?


PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.


Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.


Coworker: Man, it’s brutally cold outside!

Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.


My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.


In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”


If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.


If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.