I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Tastes like chicken.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.