I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
The Compass
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”