@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

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@TheTweetOfGod

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

@SadMeterologist

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.