I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.