@LackOfShame

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

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@SadMeterologist

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@SICKOFWOLVES

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

@kentgrossarth

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

@LosLos__

My parenting book would be just a series of “Shhh” with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.