HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My parenting book would be just a series of “Shhh” with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.