I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Bootstraps
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.