I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
So sick of all these stupid rules
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator