“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Mornin
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*