@cmd8495

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

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@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@FBSisnothere

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

@shariv67

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

@causticbob

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!