I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
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My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?