I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Did I do this right
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*