I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

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WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down


“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…


I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.


A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.


GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude


In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.


Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed