@NYorNothing

I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
[downstairs]
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down

@DanteEvilCat

“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…

@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@Chumpstring

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

@iLiveSilent

In Ancient Days, Newscasters Kept You Updated On The Latest News Happening Flat The World.

@Parkerlawyer

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed