“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Facebook memories be like
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face