“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You Might Also Like
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.