I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
When you have to marry your mother-in-law