Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there