[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
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“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
TSA: do you have anything to declare?
Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet
*watches the news*