I’m having an out of money experience.
You Might Also Like
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Feel. He’s so soft.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I hope Alan is OK
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.