@Fallun_Angel

I’m having an out-of-money experience.

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@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@Fred_Delicious

[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”

@TheTweetOfGod

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

@DaddyJew

TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@poutinesmoothie

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

@shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh