I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

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Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.


I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.


My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings


Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.


Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine


This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.


People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!


I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.