I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.