@Kyle_Lippert

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

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@hpb777

Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@CackleClub

My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings

@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

@LeaMehanna

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

@HatfieldAnne

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

@ScienceMarchDC

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@nerdreign

I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.