I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
#Caturday
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips