@amydillon

I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.

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@awkwardwit

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

@PaulyPeligroso

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@arcadeseals

me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess

{later}

me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]