@awkwardwit
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
@amydillon
I’m having trouble being mad at my 8 y.o., whose teacher let me know that while he was supposed to be taking a standardized reading test he was on Google reviewing The Peanuts Movie.
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@awkwardwit
@PaulyPeligroso
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
@fro_vo
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
@mikeleffingwell
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
@AngelaEhh
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
@UncleDuke1969
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
@SamuelHLowe
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
@skullpuppy11
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
@Lexactly
[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*
@arcadeseals
me: dad, how do i make a girl like me
dad: treat her like a princess
{later}
me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]