Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Cop: what? no 72
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I know this social distancing is hard for people – it’s new – it’s difficult and lonely…
If Sasquatch can do it…
So can you…
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!