I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

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Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]


Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.


[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit


Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out


I know this social distancing is hard for people – it’s new – it’s difficult and lonely…

But remember…

If Sasquatch can do it…

So can you…


Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.


A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.


Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”


*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!