Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.
Boss: Just get out.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[before eggnog was invented]
wish i could gag but festively
When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.