@AmishPornStar1

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

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@DebraMuffin

Nothing says ‘I dont take you seriously’ like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@pixelatedboat

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

@Freudianscript

When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.