“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Welcome to the stomach