@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

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@Vodkantots

You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”

@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

@Tups13

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@wife_housy

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.