I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.