I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.