I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Oceanography is all about current events
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.