[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic