[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The news in a nutshell.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Hotels are back
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
🤣🤣🤣
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook