I’m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.

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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*


Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall


Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*


If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.


My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.


Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him


My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.