“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.