I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.