I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.