I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
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*updates tinder bio*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.