I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there