I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

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Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.


Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too


3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.


I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.


Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…


I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me


My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.


*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?