@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

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@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@ProdigyNelson

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

@AristotlesNZ

3yo just yelled “face-five!” & slapped his brother in the face. I’m totally using that at work tomorrow.

@WilliamAder

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

@mimicz

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@AbbyHasIssues

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?