I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.