@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

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@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@KeetPotato

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

@stevevsninjas

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

@sweetmomissa

My daughter just said string cheese is not cheese it’s punishment, so I grounded her.

HOW’S THAT FOR PUNISHMENT??

@splashguts

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@OMGSoOverIt

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.