I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
#oldknees
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree