I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.